We Don't Communicate!

I often find that couples misunderstand the role of the divorce mediator. For example, I recently met with a couple who had decided to end their marriage. Unfortunately, the Husband felt that they should work out the terms of their separation before they began mediation. I say unfortunately, because one of the reasons they were ending their marriage was because of their inability to communicate which is something I could have helped them do. I have not heard from them in several weeks and only hope they have not allowed this misunderstanding to lead them into a court battle.

How to Manage Conflict

When a married couple is locked in conflict, it may seem strange to suggest that they sit down together and determine HOW they want to deal with that conflict. But they should! Because how they deal with their conflict will determine HOW WELL their lives will be after the conflict is over. If they decide to manage their conflict together, perhaps with the assistance of a neutral third person such as a Divorce Mediator, they will stay in control of the outcome and prevent outsiders such as lawyers and judges from making decisions that will impact their lives. And staying in control will allow them to manage their lives better once the conflict has ended.

Collaborative Law vs. Divorce Mediation

I conducted a Divorce Mediation training this past weekend in central New York and we spent some time discussing the difference between Collaborative Law (CL) and Divorce Mediation (DM). Apparently, at least one CL website states that CL is superior and may even be less costly than DM. The problem I have with this statement is that it assumes that lawyers need to be involved in the family discussion.
Instead of starting with the assumption that you NEED a lawyer to help you reach an agreement with your spouse, why not let the couple decide for themselves what they wish to do using a neutral third party who has been trained to help them communicate better and solve problems together.
They can then have the agreement reviewed by a lawyer, if they decide to do so, without paying the lawyer to speak for them.

Learn by Teaching

I remember a former law school professor once saying that the best way to learn something is to explain it to someone. Over the past several weeks I have seen this happen while preparing for a training I am conducting on Divorce Mediation this weekend in Oneonta. Not only am I learning a lot about child and spousal support, pensions and taxes, but I am learning a lot about myself and how much I enjoy being a peacemaker by helping people get through a difficult time. So I guess my former law professor was correct; teaching is a good way to learn.

What is it REALLY about?

There is a saying in mediation circles that "what it's about is not what it's about" and I recently encountered a couple who demonstrated this point.
The Husband was very angry with his Wife when he arrived and became even more angry when she showed up 20 minutes late for the session. When we sat down he provided her with a written list of demands and asked her if she agreed to his terms. When she did not he stormed out of the room, swearing and blaming her for driving the two of them to lawyers.
I tried to get him to open up; to discuss the source of his anger so we could explore how to create an agreement that worked for both of them. But he was simply too angry with his Wife to care about her needs. And in a effort to make this quick and easy, he has made it very difficult for both of them.
Thankfully, they do not have children together!

Control your divorce!

If you and your spouse are thinking about a divorce or separation, consider hiring one divorce mediator to help you instead of two lawyers to fight for you.

Let's face it, the problem you are likely to have when separating or getting divorced is to find a way to live separately on the same money that was hard to live on together while minimizing the impact the separation will have on your children. And spending many thousands of dollars on a lawyer is not likely to help you do that!

Although you may think that you either have to "get along" or "agree" in order for mediation to work, that is not the case. All that is required is a willingness to reach an agreement that works for each of you.

A good divorce mediator will help you identify your goals and assist you in finding a solution to any issues that might exist between you and your spouse. Even the best divorce lawyer can only try to predict what he or she thinks will happen if you wind up in court having a judge decide these issues for you. If you think otherwise, ask your lawyer to waive his or her fee if you don't get everything he or she says you are "entitled" to. You already know the answer.

Need help making sure you are going to be ok? A good divorce mediator will inform you of those things you should be thinking about when reaching a decision with your spouse and will make sure you are considering the long term consequences of your decisions.

Still not convinced? Have any agreement that you reach with your mediator either drafted or reviewed by your own lawyer before you sign it. At least this way you get to control the terms of your agreement and not allow a judge who does not know you or your children or a lawyer who could just as easily be representing your spouse if he or she got to the lawyer first make these decisions for you.

Thinking about a Divorce? Four Reasons Why You May Not Want a Lawyer

If you are thinking about a divorce or separation, the first thing many of your family and friends will tell you is to “get a good lawyer”.

Here are four reasons why hiring a lawyer may not be the best decision:

1. It is likely to cost a great deal of money at a time when you are trying to figure out how you will be able to afford to live separately from your spouse.

2. Even if you find a lawyer who is interested in helping you without becoming involved in costly and hurtful legal battle, there is no guarantee that your spouse’s lawyer will do the same.

3. Your lawyer will not be able to guarantee a specific result. All he or she can do is to try to predict what would happen if the matter was decided by a Judge.

4. You will turn control of those things that matter most to you, including your children and your future well being, to someone who really does not know you.

If you are thinking about a divorce or separation, what you really need is someone to help you determine how to live separately from your spouse, how to raise your children in the future, and how to divide your property.

Instead of a divorce lawyer, what you really need is a divorce mediator who is specifically trained and skilled at helping you identify your needs and then helping you meet those needs.

So be careful when listening to your well-meaning family and friends. While they are certainly looking out for you, if they really want to help what they should tell you is to “get a good mediator".